Have you ever wondered why one person's comment can roll right off your back, while almost the exact same comment from someone else can bother you for hours?
Or why you can feel confident, capable and completely yourself around one person, then find yourself second-guessing everything you say around someone else?
Maybe there's someone who makes you defensive almost immediately.
Someone you can't seem to say no to.
Someone around whom you suddenly feel the need to explain yourself, prove yourself, keep the peace or make sure they're okay.
And then there are those people around whom you can almost feel yourself exhale.
What's going on?
We tend to explain these experiences by saying things like, "She triggers me," or "He makes me anxious."
And sometimes the other person's behavior absolutely is part of the problem.
But there's another piece worth understanding.
Your brain and nervous system aren't experiencing each interaction as though you've never lived a day before it. You're bringing your history, previous experiences, expectations, learned patterns and ways of protecting yourself into the relationship, too.
And sometimes another person touches something that was already there.
Your Nervous System Is Constantly Taking In Information
Long before you've consciously decided how you feel about someone, you're taking in information.
Their tone of voice.
Facial expressions.
Body language.
Tension.
Warmth.
Predictability.
Whether they seem interested in you.
Whether you're being welcomed, dismissed, judged or respected.
Some of this happens consciously. Much of it doesn't require us to sit there analyzing every signal.
There are several concepts that touch on different pieces of these interpersonal experiences, including emotional contagion, co-regulation and interpersonal synchrony. You may also have heard the term limbic resonance used to describe the way our emotional states can be influenced within relationships.
You don't need to understand all the neuroscience terminology to recognize the experience.
Spend an hour with someone who makes you laugh, listens to you and allows you to relax, and notice how you feel afterward.
Now think about spending an hour with someone around whom you feel as though you're walking on eggshells.
Your experience is different.
And your body may know that before you've found the words to explain why.
Why Doesn't Everyone Trigger You the Same Way?
This is the part I find especially interesting.
If another person's behavior were the entire explanation, we'd expect everyone to react to that person in exactly the same way.
We don't.
Something that barely registers for one person may hit another person very deeply.
Why?
Because the interaction isn't happening in a vacuum.
You bring yourself into it.
Your experiences.
Your relationships.
Your expectations.
The things you've learned about love, conflict, approval, rejection and belonging.
The roles you've learned to play.
Maybe somewhere along the way you learned that keeping everyone happy kept the peace.
Maybe you learned that being useful helped you feel valued.
Maybe you became extremely independent because depending on someone didn't feel particularly safe.
Maybe you're always the responsible one...the fixer, the achiever, the caretaker.
The one who doesn't need anything.
Then you meet someone whose personality or behavior activates that familiar pattern.
Suddenly you're not simply responding to what's happening in this moment.
You may also be responding through everything you've learned before it.
That's why I think simply saying "that person triggers me" can sometimes stop the investigation too soon.
There's more information available if we're willing to get curious.
Ask a Different Question: Who Do I Become Around This Person?
We spend a lot of time evaluating other people.
Do I like this person?
Do I trust her?
Does he respect me?
Does she understand me?
Those are important questions.
But I want to give you another one:
Who do I become when I'm around this person?
Pay attention to that.
Do you become the fixer, the peacekeeper or the woman who suddenly can't say no?
Do you start explaining yourself and feelimg like you have to prove your value?
Do you become guarded, quiet or defensive?
Do you shrink parts of yourself?
Now think about the opposite.
Who makes you more playful, more curious?
Who encourages you to think bigger?
Who can disagree with you without making you feel as though the relationship itself is threatened?
Who brings out your creativity or makes you laugh?
Who allows you to be quiet and simply feel more like yourself?
We talk so much about people who trigger us that I think we sometimes overlook something equally important:
Healthy relationships activate things in us, too.
There are people who bring forward parts of ourselves that we want more of.
That's worth noticing.
Not Every Trigger Is an Old Wound
This is where I want to be very careful, because I don't believe every uncomfortable reaction should be turned into a self-improvement project.
Sometimes your reaction may be connected to your past.
And sometimes you're accurately responding to what's happening right now.
Someone may actually be dismissive.
They may criticize you repeatedly.
They may be unpredictable or ignore your boundaries.
They may speak to you disrespectfully and simply not be a healthy person for you to spend much time around.
Self-awareness should never become an excuse for someone else's poor behavior.
So rather than automatically asking:
"What's wrong with me that this person bothers me so much?"
Try asking:
Is an old pattern being activated here? Is something happening in this relationship right now? Or could both be true?
Those questions lead somewhere very different.
Three Things to Notice the Next Time You're Triggered
Before you immediately react, withdraw, fix the situation or start analyzing the other person, get curious about yourself.
1. What is happening in my body?
Are your shoulders tightening?
Has your breathing changed?
Do you feel yourself bracing?
Do you suddenly feel restless?
Do you feel exhausted after spending time with this person?
Or do you soften?
Breathe more deeply?
Feel energized?
Start by noticing without immediately deciding what it means.
2. Who am I becoming?
Are you performing?
Fixing?
Shrinking?
Defending?
Over-explaining?
Looking for approval?
Or are you becoming more open, creative, confident, playful and honest?
This question can reveal patterns that are difficult to see while we're inside them.
3. What belongs to now, and what might belong to before?
Maybe this person's tone reminds you of someone from your past.
Maybe you're expecting rejection because you've experienced it before.
Maybe you're afraid to disappoint someone because disappointing people once had consequences.
Or maybe this person really is treating you poorly.
Sometimes the answer is both.
The goal isn't to diagnose yourself or everybody around you.
It's awareness.
Because once you can see a pattern, you have more choice in what you do with it.
The People Around You Matter When You're Trying to Change
There's another reason I've been thinking about all of this lately.
When we're trying to make meaningful changes in our lives, we tend to focus almost entirely on what we need to do.
Eat differently.
Exercise.
Set the goal.
Create the routine.
Change the habit.
Think positively.
Be more disciplined.
But we're not living in isolation.
The people around us matter.
The conversations we're having matter.
The environments we're spending time in matter.
It doesn't mean everyone in your life has to agree with you, think like you or be working toward the same things.
But there is something powerful about having people and places where growth is supported.
Some seasons of our lives require people who will simply sit beside us.
Some require people who challenge us.
Some require people who remind us who we are.
And sometimes we need to walk into a new room.
That's one of the reasons community is an intentional part of The Whole Woman Reset and I created our Free Limitless Living Community for women who are becoming
I didn't want to create another program where you're handed a bunch of information, expected to change everything by yourself and then quietly feel like you failed when real life gets in the way.
We're looking at the whole woman.
Your mind. Your body. Your energy. Your relationships. Your environment. Your work and money. Your identity. And the parts of life that give you meaning, connection and joy.
And we're doing that alongside other women who are also willing to take an honest look at their lives.
Because sometimes changing your life isn't only about changing what you do.
Sometimes it's also about paying attention to the people, environments and conversations that surround the woman you're trying to become.
This Week, Pay Attention
Don't only notice the people who trigger you.
Notice the people around whom you exhale.
Notice who makes you laugh.
Notice where you find yourself shrinking and where you find yourself expanding.
Notice the person around whom you don't have to work quite so hard to be yourself.
And then ask:
Who am I when I'm with this person?
Do I like who I am here?
What might this relationship be showing me about what I need more of, or less of, in this next season of my life?
Those answers may tell you far more than simply labeling someone a "trigger."
Reflection Question
Who brings out a version of you that you want more of, and what is it about that relationship that allows that version of you to show up?
If you're in a season where you're ready to take a closer look at your health, energy, relationships, environment, identity and the life you're creating, you can learn more about The Whole Woman Reset